Tuesday, March 19, 2013

No, I Didn't....Yes, You Did!!!

I am not sure about you but when I hear

No, I didn't!!!!

and then

Yes, you did!!!!

My right eye starts twitching.

I have the urge to bop a kiddo or 2 on the head.

I want to start hollering calmly say "Please, just be quiet."

But, I know that will only solve the problem temporarily...even though, I might feel better if I do a little head bopping (Which I never do). =)

I would love if every day was like this...


(I DO try and help my kiddos see that you CAN disagree with someone but arguing about it won't solve the problem.)

Part of me would like to try this...


In the past, we talked about telling the other person I disagree with you but I am not going to argue with you because I care about you. 

I noticed that this was giving some kiddos the excuse to get out of their hurtful behavior....especially when they had done something intentionally.

This year I started thinking about the WHY behind a child not wanting to just apologize(or admit to the problem) ...when a lot of the things happen on accident.

My kiddos get very, very good about not tattling and using their BIG VOICE. They might tell a friend I didn't like it when you stepped on my foot. Most of the time a kiddo will apologize and we move on...no big deal.

But sometimes, I have a kiddo who will argue with me OR anything breathing about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! I am sure none of you have kiddos like that, right??!!??? =)

I remembered something I learned from Ruby Payne who is the guru of working and teaching children of poverty. One of the big things a child of poverty will always do is try and save face. This can be why they laugh in your face when you correct them or smile when you talk to them about their poor/bad choices.

If they are laughing in our face, they REALLY don't want to look bad in the eyes of their friends.

So, here is what we have been working on....

Child 1: I didn't like it when you kicked me in the back (This is when everyone was moving up toward the pocket chart.)
Child 2: I didn't kick you!!!
***instead of the Yes, you did....we now have NEW words***
Child 1: I am not saying you did it on purpose. I think it happened on accident when you were scooting up.
Child 2: Oh, I am sorry. I didn't realize that happened. I am sorry for accidentally kicking you.
Child 1: I forgive you.

Here is the part I really like: Child 2 takes ownership of their behavior AND they have to then find a way to make the situation better depending on what happened.

So, our new helpful sentence stems are:
I am not saying you did it on purpose. I think it happened when....
You maybe didn't realize you....
I am not mad at you. I'm just trying to help you understand you what might have happened.

This works well with my Hoovers and my kiddos who are a Frosty (prone to HUGE meltdowns)! =)

I always need to remember to try and stay calm when they start to fuss and argue. =)


Now, some BIG news....

Heather's Heart is now on FB =)

Click on my button to go to my FB page. I would love for you to like me there. =)
Please let me know if the link works...it was acting all wonkers.

Be sure and check out my giveaway too. =)




How do you handle fussing and arguing? I would love to know. =)

From My Heart to Yours,

23 heart notes:

Jessica Fredrickson said...

Those are GREAT helpful sentence stems! Thanks for the suggestions Heather! This is definitely the time of year when the kiddos get a little frazzled (did I say the kiddos? I meant me!) :) I am noticing a lot of the saving face issue lately as well. I've got one (or two or three) who just can't own up to the behavior. I am going to teach these sentence stems right away tomorrow! :)

Overall my class is getting great at using their big voices, but these last two weeks there has definitely been an upsurge in tattling. Lately I have been reminding my kiddos, "Are you telling me this to be helpful or hurtful?" And then, "Okay, how is it helping ________ when you tell me ____________?"

~Jessica
Fun in PreK-1 is Having a Giveaway!

Johanna Tackitt said...

I love your ideas {as always}...I find myself reaching for the "7 Habits of Happy Kids" by Steven Covey this time of year. We read the first habit today. It is about being Proactive, taking the initiative, being in charge of yourself...all kinds of good stuff! The kids really seem to "get it" this time of year and boy do they need it! Thanks for great conversations on your blog! Happy Tuesday!

☏Johanna
First Grade Fanatic!

Rae said...

Love the sentence stems! We use the SuperFlex Curriculum which is a social thinking curriculum to help elementary student regulate their emotions. It is a FABULOUS curriculum that my kids love and I will always use :)

Rae
Mindful Rambles

Crystal White said...

I love the sentence stems for problem solving!

Also, I wanted to let you know that I gave you a shout out on my blog. I linked up on a 'Somebunny Loves You' blog linky :)

My Kinder-Garden

Miss Walker said...

If it's a simple problem, I have the kiddo tell their friend why they are sad and how it makes them feel. Most of the time, the friend will apologize. It's always been a pet peeve of mine when people apologize and it's met with, "It's OK," So I have taught my students to respond with, "Please don't do it again."

I feel like I've trained my students pretty well to discuss their feelings and own their behavior.

But for the biggies that can't get solved that way, we'll normally step outside, I'll hear both sides of the story, and we'll come up with a solution so that everyone is happy. Works well for my firsties.

On another note, tattling is huge for kinders and firsties and drove me nuts. A few years back, I had a "Tattle Jar," but I named it something else, but you get the point. If someone wanted to tattle, they'd write it down on a slip and put it in a jar. Eventually, they realized on their own that it wasn't worth it to waste their time to write it all out (plus it was a lot of work for them), which got them to see that it wasn't a big issue to start with. Best thing ever and eliminated tattling with that specific class, because it was such an issue that year.

Kristen
www.easyteachingtools.com

Mary Ellen said...

I love this post! I use positive discipline in our classroom with "I " messages. "I felt______ when ________ happened. I wish __________." But I too have struggled this year with a couple of kiddos who won't take ownership of behavior. Gonna do a class meeting this week and introduce these phrases! You are such an encouragement. Thank you.

Primary Paradise said...

Your title had me right away. We hear this so much. Great ideas. Thank you for sharing.
Tammy
Primary Paradise

Jackie Abeyta said...

AH this post couldn't come at a more perfect time! I've got a little guy this year that argues with EVERYTHING. I honestly don't think he realizes how much he argues...but it drives me crazy! This could definitely help...I will try it!

Jackie Abeyta
Crazy Daze in First Grade

Jackie Abeyta said...

AH this post couldn't come at a more perfect time! I've got a little guy this year that argues with EVERYTHING. I honestly don't think he realizes how much he argues...but it drives me crazy! This could definitely help...I will try it!

Jackie Abeyta
Crazy Daze in First Grade

Liz Mccaw said...

This is a great discussion topic. I spend quite a lot of time throughout the year on problem solving. We have a celebration chart, use role play drawing upon student experiences but anonymous of course as well as develop strategies such as rock paper scissors, even & odd and sentence stems much like yours. As increasing numbers of Kindergarten students arrive without these strategies, our school district is exploring have calming strategies such as deep breathing, natural light, soft music,careful attention to routines,thoughtful attention to colour and soft seating for some to de-stress children and their learning environments.

Although there are many different classroom expectations in my room everyone is welcome during play drawn upon Vivian Paley's books.

Liz :)

Karen said...

Thank you so much for this post - it couldn't have come at a better time. I plan on introducing these sentence stems right away with my class. Accepting responsibility is so HARD for them.

Many times I try to have my kids who are being accused of being hurtful say, "I will be sure not to step on you." or "OK, I will be careful of my body." The idea is still to save face, like you said, without having to actually admit that they did something.

Your stems are much better because they diffuse the situation immediately.

And it is always helpful to get a reminder WHY a child might laugh or giggle during discussion of behavior, as that is so aggravating. Thanks again!

Karen
Teaching Ace Blog

Chrissy said...

Heather, your "Heartprints" poem is on our morning meeting board. We say it everyday! I've been drawing hearts on the white board when I see Heartprints in action. :-)

A Kindergarten Life For Me said...

This is a great post! Thank you! I will often have students who deny, deny, deny...I have found that if I ask if it was an accident, they will still deny. BUT, if I ask if it happened by mistake, they tell the truth. It is amazing how the word "mistake" enables them to feel they can be honest.

When a student needs to apologize, I also do not like when the other student says, "It's okay." Because it's not. So instead we say, "Thank you for apologizing." Seems to help the situation. :)

You always have such inspirational and thoughtful posts! Thank you!!

Beth :)

Lauren Manns said...

Those are some great sentence starters. In my classroom our tattling and yelling at one another was so bad at one point, I introduced a new social studies mini unit on problem solving skills. Since then my students have gotten much better at using their words to tell their feelings. I do get the occasional I'm sorry it's okay. Which bothers me so I may take a Kindergarten Life For Me's suggestion to have them say, "I accept your apology.

P.S. Thank you for recently visiting my blog. Recently I've had a lot of mystery visitors and it was exciting to have a comment. I did take your advice and I added that gadget.

Julie Marciniak said...

Heather,
I am jotting down your sentence starters...I have a young student who definitely tests all boundaries and does the smile during discipline time so I am looking forward to trying your suggestions! Thank you!
Julie
Ms. Marciniak's First Grade Critter Cafe

All Things Elementary said...

Thank you for these helpful tips! I like that you taught them how to solve the disagreement on their own rather than the teacher intervening.

Forever A Teacher, Forever A Learner

Mrs. Ramoly said...

This is amazing! I wish I had seen this before I spent 12 weeks in 1st!! I'm keeping this advice close to me from now on.
Jillian
Elements of Elementary

Magic Mistakes and Mayhem said...

Hi Heather! I've just come across your blog from One Fab Teacher's blog. Your "About Me" section caught my eye and I'm glad it did!

What you say is so true about kids wanting to save face- I teach 10-11 years old's (year 6 in New Zealand which is equivalent to your grade 5 I think)and the language you've taught your first graders to use will be hugely beneficial to my older kids too.

I haven't worked out how to link things through a comment but one thing we've been using in class is something I found on Pinterest. A poster with the word THINK down the side- for my kids to refer to when they're getting grumpy with each other and say things they shouldn't.

T: Is it Truthful
H: Is it Helpful
I: Is it Inspiring
N: Is it Necessary
K: Is it Kind

If it doesn't fill those criteria then most of the time it doesn't need to be said. This combined with the techniques you use when accidents happen should help create a great classroom environment!

We're going to talk about the language you've taught your kids during our next Circle Time!

x Serena x

Susanna - Whimsy Workshop said...

Love the get-along shirt...lol!
Fantastic ideas here, and so important. It's not always realized that unless you get this stuff under control then not much learning takes place because they are too busy arguing or being upset, unable to listen and focus.
I tend to use "I feel _____ because _____. Next time please ____" This lets them express feelings but then move on to a solution right away.
We also use the Second Step program which is excellent!
Thanks for this great topic!

Susanna
Whimsy Workshop