Or roll your eyes....
Or think I am cray cray!
When I first heard that I shouldn't say this, I thought it was silly. I had been taught to say this in college.
When I asked several months ago, most of you said YOU say it too!
And it worked when I said it....you said it worked too!
What is it you might be asking yourself????
I like the way......
Yeppers...according to Conscious Discipline we shouldn't be saying this.
Here is where I almost stopped listening but I didn't. When I really started to think about the reason why when they explained it to us, it made sense....it also gave me a headache.
We have all had kiddos run up to us or holler out to us "Look at me! Look at me!". Children want and need to be seen. Our attention is greatly encouraging.
The Conscious Discipline book is broken down into teaching ourselves and children different skills. What I am sharing with you comes from the chapter on Encouragement. There is so much in this chapter that I would love to share but it can be overwhelming and very thought provoking....hence my above headache.
Our praise can be very judgmental (page 81). Here's how:
*Too much, all-encompassing praise can make a child feel pressured to live up to unrealistic expectations. If we are saying something about them always doing something right or well, they might feel pressured to live up to that expectation or they might rebel.
*Judgement praise can teach a child to think that "good" equals pleasing others and "bad" equals displeasing others. This can cause anxiety in the child and leave them asking you "Is this good?" "Did I do this right?". This trains children to focus on what others think instead of listening to their own inner speech.
*If you use praise that focuses on how you feel about a child's behavior, you are teaching them to seek your approval. If you are using praise to influence the behavior of another child by saying "I like the way _________ is ____________" than you are manipulating a child and sending the message that you are worthy when you are pleasing to others.
*If you praise children for only successful, completed tasks, you teach them effort does not matter-only accomplishments matter. "If you praise only finished jobs that are done well, you teach a child to devalue effort." page 82
Conscious Discipline breaks what we say into 2 actions:
"When you judge children, you tell them who you think they should be. Judgment shows conditional love- love that makes demands. Encouragement is about accepting children for who they are. Acceptance notices and describes behavior or actions that exist. Acceptance underlies unconditional love- love which makes no demands." We want to move away from judging to noticing. page 82
Yes, I accept my kiddos for who they are and because I love them I am going to help them be the best they can be.
What we focus on we get more of. What you focus on will also strengthen that quality in yourself and others. If you notice a child's strength, you teach them about their abilities. If you encourage their contributions, you teach them about sharing their gift with others. "All you really need to do is describe the efforts or accomplishments you see from the child. In effect, you become the child's mirror." page 79
Here are some ways to change some judging praises into noticing and describing encouragement:
I like the way I see Carla cleaning up her center. judging
I noticed Carla cleaning up her center and being helpful by putting everything away so nothing would get lost. noticing
Sarah is doing a nice job in line. judging
I notice Sarah is standing still in line. That is being helpful by keeping her friends safe. noticing
Good job doing your math paper Jennifer. judging
You did it! You went over and focused and you got your work completed. noticing
Ways to help build noticing into your vocabulary:
1. Start with the child's name or the pronoun "you".
Stacy, you picked up Suzanne's pencil.
You did it, you tied your shoes!
2. Next describe exactly what you see.
Pretend that you have a camera. Before you speak ask yourself if a camera can record what you are about to say? If you are about to tell Ann thank you for being helpful remember that a camera cannot record that. Instead tell Ann you noticed her give Kellye back her pencil and that was helpful.
3. End your description with a tag. There are 3 types of tags:
*Tags that judge, use sparingly:
~That looks great!
~You always do such a great job!
*Tags that describe attributes-use regularly:
~That took determination.
~You sure are organized!
~That was brave!
*Tags that describe values, use lavishly:
~That was helpful.
~That was thoughtful.
~That was kind, caring, loving.
Are you still here??????????? Did I lose you??????? Are you rolling your eyes at me?????????????
I hope you are sticking with me because you need to hear this part! =)
I had a hard time changing my language. I had been saying I like the way.... for at least 6 years.
When I started my noticing, the difference it made in my classroom was HUGE!!! My kiddos became so much more aware what contributions and efforts others were making. The values and language they use with each other is amazing. There are times I want to invite a couple of adults to come get some lessons from my kiddos.
My kiddos are constantly starting their sentences with "I noticed that___________was_______________. That was helpful, kind, caring of him.
I remember at times starting to feel flustered when my kiddos were not doing something I thought they should be. That was usually when I threw out one of the I like the way.....sentences. I realize now that I needed to focus on what I wanted by being a mirror to that action so the children could make the connection. At the beginning of the year, we sang a song like this modified to whatever I needed to mirror back to the kiddos:
I see Heather, I see Heather,
Her hands are like this. (modeling the action)
Her feet are like this. (modeling the action)
She's being very helpful She's being very helpful.
Way to go! Way to go!
All of this noticing then ties in so well with the School Family Jobs of The Kindness Recorder, The Cheerleader, and The Encourager. Plus, all of the noticing that my kiddos do of the contributions of others ties in with our bucket filling because they must tell the friend "I am going to add you a helpful heart for____________." The friend who is having the heart added for them has to answer them "Thank you for noticing that."
Here is what you can try this week (or next if you are lucky to be on Spring Break!)":
Instead of saying I like the way.... say
*I notice that _____________ is ________________. Way to go for being helpful.
*Way to go ________________! You _____________________! That was being so kind.
If you need to write one of the sentence stems on a sentence strip to post in your room go for it! That is what I did in the beginning. =)
Think it over. I had a hard time wrapping my brain around this at first....especially since what I had been doing was working!
I see now though that all of the qualities, efforts and values I notice are the ones the kiddos now are mirroring.
I would love for you to share your thoughts with me on this....and please be honest! =)
Now, on to other news!
If you haven't heard
Hop on over to her blog to check it out! She is going to have 10 WINNERS!!!!!!!!
Here is a *freebie* I shared before but that was back in November when I only had about 100 followers!
Click on the picture to go grab it!
I have been tagged already! I promise to answer those questions soon! I can totally relate to my sweet and funny friend Holly about the amount of time it takes for me to squeeze out a post. OMGosh! I am a slowpoke!
I hope you had a blessed Easter. I worship a risen Savior and am blessed indeed. =)