My Way or the Highway: choices with Conscious Discipline

Wal-Mart...

When I go there, I almost always see something that makes the teacher in me start having heart palpitations.

My right eye starts twitching at the interactions I observe.

I start thinking of which one of my "Come to Jesus" talks I need to give the snot monster sweet darling and the person I assume is the adult.

I did NOT grow up in an environment where I was given choices to help foster my independence and autonomy. It was You do it or You get it!

These are actually offering false choices.
You can eat what is on your plate or starve.
You can go to sleep now or never have another slumber party again.
You can do the activity the way I told you to or you are never doing a fun activity again.
If you act this way when we go to the store than you are never getting another toy. EVER!!!!


According to CD, you are trying to manipulate the child. You are also setting them up to believe that when they think, feel, or choose differently than you, they are bad, wrong or disrespectful.

Here is my opinion on part of that....we do need to let a child know that there are choices that are wrong because they can be hurtful, unsafe, or disrespectful. I think that making choices is supported by bringing in some of the language of CD and the noticing.

This chapter in Conscious Discipline is so powerful and yet, there is still a part of me that struggles with the fact that life is not always going to be about choices....and especially 2 positive ones. Sometimes, you just have to do things you don't want to do.....go to the female doctor, go to boring meetings  faculty meetings  engaging professional development opportunities after school, do lesson plans, and even stop blog stalking and step away from the computer to do something like clean the house and do laundry.

Here is the BIG IDEA: 2 Positive Choices


Yeppers, the choices need to be positive...both of them! =)


The book shows a hilarious picture of a teacher giving a child (with arms crossed and a defiant look on her face) the choice to get in line or go to the guillotine.....too funny! But in the eyes of the child so true!!!!

Go out to lunch with your friends for a hour or cram a yucky cafeteria meal down your throat in 20 minutes....hard decision, right??!!????

The 2 positive choices are wonderful because young children are trying to assert their autonomy and often feel as if they have to have the LAST word.

But I......

But Ms. Price.....

But they were.....

I want to tell them the words Ms. Price and but should never be in the same sentence but that is a bit much for the brain of a Firstie.

Here is what giving 2 positive choices offers the child: page 140


*Attend to the thing that you think is important
*Obey what you are asking
*Learn decision making
*Feel empowered therefore reducing power struggles
*Redirect their behavior and learn impulse control
*Establish and maintain self-control

Here are 5 steps to follow (pages 141-142)


1. Take a deep breath and think about what you want the child to do. Remember, How can I help the child most likely choose to __________.


2. Tell the child in an upbeat/positive voice "You have a choice."
If you need to practice that voice first try it out on your hubby, friend or pet. Yes, I have practiced on my kitty and my bunny. =)

3. State the 2 choices "You may __________ or you may __________."


4. Ask the child for a commitment. You might say, "What is your choice?" You might have to repeat the choices several times.


5. Notice the child's choice. You can say, "You chose __________!" in a very encouraging voice with loving intent. You can also celebrate the child with a Way to Go or a You did it!

I am sure right now you have a sweet little friend in mind....I have my little toot darling picked out. =)

You know the one that brings up the What if's or reminds you of those kiddos that you read about in college that might be a wee bit defiant....a little stubborn donkey.

Here is what you have to understand first. A young child begins to develop a sense of self, figuring out where they begin and where mom and dad stop. The terrible twos are about a child testing boundaries. They are not trying to make you angry.

Remember, you want to focus on what you want the child to do. If you start trying to focus on what you want to stop....the crying, stomping, hitting, talking...you just stepped into a power struggle. I have done this...I have even been told NOT to get in a power struggle with a child because the child will always win.


I can be a bit of a stubborn donkey myself and I love like to win.....enough said!!!


This is where the parroting technique comes in to help the donkey.

You keep repeating the 2 positive choices over and over and over and over.

Teacher: Carla, it is time to clean up your center. You have a choice. You may clean up the cards first or the letters. What is your choice?

Carla: Noooooooooooo!!!!

Teacher: Carla, it is time to clean up your center. You have a choice. You may clean up the cards first or the letters. What is your choice?

Carla: You can't make me!!!! I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teacher

At this point Carla is going to do one of 3 things:

1. Start to clean up but with a bad attitude.

2. Continue to verbally assault you or even try to hit you.

3. Throw a full blown hissy fit or even try and run away.

You can tell Carla that she is right. You can't make her.

Real Life Example: my friend's little boy would not eat his carrots. The carrots were forced into his mouth but you cannot make someone swallow. The carrots were in his mouth for over 48 hours. He finally spit them out when they were discovered still in his mouth by the dentist at an appointment!!!!!

After telling Carla that, turn and walk away. When she calms down, have her clean it up and celebrate the choice with her.


Here is where my opinion comes in. I then talk to the child about obeying quickly and about how we sometimes have to do things we might not want to do and we might just need to say yes ma'am and do it. I usually share with them an example of when I  have to do something I don't want to do. I talk about if I threw a hissy fit when my principal asked me to do something I wouldn't have a job and I couldn't buy food or other fun things.. I also tell them that I care about them and will never ask them to do something that is hurtful to them or that is not going to help them be a kind and helpful person...a bucket filler.


There are times I do bring in consequences but I have no step by step process I follow about how many times I will ask a child before a consequence is given.


BTW- Consequences come in the very LAST chapter of the book and there is a very good reason for that.


There are also going to be children who resist choices because of parenting that fails to meet the child's needs, permissive parenting and family troubles. These are often going to be your kiddos who want to get in a power struggle with you because they have a life that is so out of control. These are our little ones who are trying to survive. Take time to build trust with these kiddos and make connections.

My opinion:  I have kiddos like this. These are the kiddos that when we do Our School Family circle time I try and buddy up with. I try and give these kiddos more hugs or rub their backs and really, really try and notice every positive thing they do and celebrate all of the baby steps they make. The sweet part about building your School Family is that the other kiddos notice it too. They do an awesome job celebrating each other. And for me and my type A personality, I sometimes just have to let a few things slide. I often ask myself this: Are the child and others safe? Can learning still happen for this child and others around them?


There is a great cartoon in the book about a teacher and a child pulling on a rope and having a power struggle. The next picture is a child trying to hand the rope to the adult who has his arms crossed across his chest refusing to take it. Power struggles require 2 willing participants.

Here is what happened today:

A little one came in today in a bad mood. I am trying to talk to him and find out what is wrong. I am saying I notice your arms are like this (and I model it). Your face is like this (and I model it). Your face is telling me your upset or frustrated. What happened?


I continued to ask during breakfast ...remember, to not be jealous that I have the joy of breakfast in my classroom.....we came to the rug and this little one didn't. He walked around the room and kicked a chair every now and then. Here are the choices...the 2 positive choices:

H(me): It is time for Word Study. You have a choice. You can come sit by me and I'll help you calm down and start working or you can choose a friend to go sit by and they can help you calm down and get started. What is your choice?.

L(little one): no response

I continued to repeat myself several times. I then told little one that he knew what the choices were and that we would be happy to help him when he was ready to make a choice.

He grumped for about 5 minutes and then came to sit over by me on the rug. Before, I could even celebrate him and his choice, one of my kiddos was adding him a helpful heart for changing his choices and for coming to work and the Cheerleader was celebrating him for the same thing....all before I could even say anything.

And he did have a reason (a sad one) for having a rough start to the day.

I know you probably have questions and I will try my best to help answer them. Remember, I am no expert and also bring in things I believe about being encouraging and respectful.

The next time I post I will have charts you can hang in your room to help you remember what to say. This post has taken me forever to write but I hope you find it helpful. It really is amazing. Between noticing and 2 positive choices, amazing things will happen in your School Family.

I would love a heart note letting me know what you think.

This is post 99 for me! WOWzers!!!!! That blows my mind out of the water! =)